Sunday, June 5, 2011

Five Star Bitch


Jay lifts his legs over his head, rocks against his back and springs on his feet as if he had executed the first rep of an excercise which involves his couch.

Jay walks over to the counter saying, “I’m coming. I’m coming.”, as if he was either saying it to Mickey Mouse holding the receiver or as if the person on the other end of the line could hear him.

He swipes the phone out of Mikey’s hand- “This is Jay.” He says accidentally, automatically, as if he was still at the office.

It was Mont on the other end of the line, “Christ,where the hell, you been!? You ever check your messages? I was trying to get in touch with you all day yesterday, it seems as of late you haven't even been keeping normal office hours?”, says Mont eschewing any extraneous formal phone greeting pleasantries.

“Hey, Mont.” Says Jay, arresting the imperative-ness of Mont’s questioning.

“What gives, coach?!! What happened with Sigourney the other night? She called me yesterday, said you just off and bailed out on her . I set you up with a libidinous manqueé who’s ready to party, outfit you with enough of Bolivia’s finest chief export to put an elephant in a coma and you go off and ditch her?! Is this how you show you're appreciation? Is this the thanks I get?!”

“The night was a nightmare, Mont. Sigourney was a real five star bitch- I’m never doing this again.” Said Jay staring at the photo of Hackmuth across the room.

“Yeah, well I though you'd be up for the task, could handle it, ya know?... Instead of reenacting amateur night at the Poison Girl. What's happened to you, man!? You used to be so beautiful! You’ve really lost it! I just don't know what to do anymore. Are you gonna even try to help me help you over here or what?!” said Mont, impetuously believing his hastily considered statements were justifiable, which was up to par with how Mont normally reacted to things.

“Yeah, well tell that to Sigourney’s husband on the East Coast. “ said Jay, automatically feeling wired from just replaying the scenario in his head.

Jay paced around his tiny kitchen, studying the photos and magnets and flyers on tiny his fridge,” Everything was going all right when we left you and whats her name at Shade. Was gonna take Sigourney to the Roosevelt until she made me drive her all the way out to fucking Garden Grove to go to TÖC bar so she could meet her boyfriend Valentino, and I could watch her rub hand on his crouch while they dirty danced in front of me. It was horrible, Mont. I would have been better off going home when you called, spending a quiet evening instead of driving practically all the way out to Hunnington Beach just so Sigourney could extract my balls and put them in her purse.”

Mont giggled at Jay's statement and could hear Jay's frustration at the other end of the line. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh."

"Yeah, well..."

“Aw, Christ. Well geez, that sounds kinda terrible. I didn't know.” Says Mont empathetically, completely changing his original tone.

“Geez, I’m sorry about that one. You, know I should have warned you. I should have known. You know Sigourneys the type who needs to be told what to do. You shouldn't have been so accommodating and driven her all the way out there, in the first place. Thats where you went wrong. You see, you're too nice! That's your problem. You should have put your foot down and told her, if she wanted to go all the way out there to get a cab or take a hitch hike. A women of that caliber has to be broken down, wants to be. If you would have put your foot down,I’m telling you- if you would not have let her call the shots, she would have been sleeping at your place.”

“Yeah, well hindsight is sixty forty.” Replied Jay.

“What?” said Mont, confused.

“Nothing. Look- I just want the whole thing behind me. I got other problems. Anyways, shits completely bonkers at work. Looks like were merging for worse or for worse with another Larry Balma company, our top rider wants to use Skatemental as a platform to come out of the closet, Surf Expos this weekend and they have left me and our whole department in the dark about this years showcase booth, and Reese has completely lost his mind- has really out done himself this time and I have a feeling-" Jay pauses because saying out loud what he has been feeling internally only confirms it as a new reality, " I think it looks like I might be ousted pretty soon.”

“Aw, man. Well, you know what? Fuck that! You know you should have never taken that job in the first place, like after what they promised. And anyways, maybe it's some sort of blessing, you know? And you just can’t see right now. Maybe you got to re-break that limb so it can get set right. You’re better than that place anyways! You should be the one in charge, you know like in charge, calling the shots. Maybe it's all for the best. You know?!” Said Mont, for the first time in awhile exhibiting a rare moment of sympathy that redeems his usual self absorption.

“Yeah, well- we’ll see. I’ve got a lot to sort out. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Anyways, I’m gonna go, I’ll talk to you later. Go out for drinks or something next week? You're buying.”

“ Yeah, you got it. Hit me up later in the week and keep your head up, coach. Okay? All right!?”


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Houston, Texas
Be kind, because everyone you'll ever meet is fighting a hard battle.