Thursday, March 5, 2015

Men On Skate Films

It was the city of promises. Jay had always been well aware of all that surface superficiality of it all, it’s lack of attachment to anything other than it’s own good reflection in the mirror -  and the city was a bastion (not too be confused with Bastien) for the unreliable nature of beauty, here where the world catered so to the ever dwindling number of women - the population catastrophe which was caused from toasting to baby boys too much and it was probably a bad thing to just succumb to one's desire to be extra nice to someone you liked because it could after all further add to their insanity; like : the more beautiful the woman was, the crazier she was likelier to be.

But just thinking about thinking about Sigourney from the other night made Jay’s stomach sink and feel ill and he barely even knew her, but that wasn't the point because she was such the thirst trap anyways. Jason did get to meet Valentino though, the guy at the TOC Bar who was there waiting for her when she got Jay to drive them there the other night - when Jay inadvertently delivered Sigourney safely into his arms.

When Jay was younger he had gone around with a couple of girls, and then ever since he became flow AM they kind of easily came to him. He naively imagined it probably would remain such (though obviously this wouldn’t be the case), but he still kind of half predicted to himself how easy women could turn him into such a complete total scoundrel. Maybe now all the vast apathy reflected onto him for and from the long term - if not just for pointless suffering, was some sort of atonement for all his reckless caterwauling.

The flakiness of beauty transcended itself onto the skate world too, like in all the cases of all the too much too soon’s. And maybe with these young unstable girls it wasn’t that the much more different; Jay always thought of the story about the most beautiful girl in Santa Monica, destructively putting a clothes pin through her nose at the bar, like doing this before piercing had actually became a thing; all the skinny white girls who still hated their bodies.

Jay looked at the items resting on his chiffonier and for now the familiarity they reflected from his life would have to be enough.The Law of Attraction was such utter total bullshit anyways, Jay knew this and if it actually wasn’t - one would think it would already have by now been evolutionarily standardized by civilization. Give the dead credit : people wouldn’t have just now been getting around to discovering that one’s thoughts dictate directly onto the external world as much as the law of attraction would insist upon. And under such presumption, then what explains when one thinks or truly believes that they are actually going to get laid tonite, and then it ends up not happening? The Law of Attraction will never null out the fact that there isn’t enough love to go around for everybody in the city, so what would be it’s explanation for disappointment? Just thinking or believing with all one’s heart of hearts that something is going to happen would never be enough - but for a belief to become reality it still would still have to be anchored by something in the physical realm - something physical which may occur rationally or irrationally (and it was this rationality or irrationality which confused everybody).  Reese and Larry would reak havok upon what little cultural cache skateboarding still had, would be paid handsomely to do such, and that was anchored by the same physical means by which they were granted. Kenny Anderson could boast being a believer in the Law of Attraction, but he was a fool because the body given to him was beyond his thought range, same with his having of his mentor, Colby Carter - both of which where his ticket out of Santa Fe - these occurred in and of themselves, no matter how much Kenny deceived himself into thinking how powerful his thoughts really were. 

The only Rule of Attraction Jay was aware of was that desperation does not attract that which one is desperate for,  and he thought of this when he looked at the answering machine not blinking, which had no voice taped recorded messages, when he maybe wanted to see if Sigourney had possibly tried to reach out to him or drop him a line or something, like since that night. But the fact that she didn’t or wouldn’t go the slightest bit out of her way for even courtesy sake, was another way for Sigourney to flex her standing rank on the human pyramid ponzi scheme, the big human shitpile  - and that was typical, not really too surprising, despite how exotic Sigourney regarded herself. 

Jay considered Bastien for the first time since Surf Expo ; where the vert dudes all flamed out, the old street kids like Jay just seemed to fade away and disappear, only to cycle into the new generation of street kids flaming out again, aparently. Jay saw Bastien's unoriginal transformation descent from innocent disciplined prodigy to celebrity party animal pile, and it wasn’t the first time he had seen this because it was the American success story, after all. It happened to Jim Hendrix, Jim Morrisson, Jay Adams. When would the narrative of the American dream shift away from the paradigm of dramatic early success followed by dramatic early retirement? What if Ams were allowed to ferment for as long as possible that for the sake of wisdom, before they were flung upon the world? The youth had the technology, but what they lacked was some sort of learned evolutionary philosophical criteria - which explained all these grotesque Am’s with huge tits who were impossible to pull off to, because it was like looking at a cartoon. 

Is life sick and cruel and stale? Yes. 

Was everybody insane? Absolutely.

Did Jay know more about Heather? No.

It was seven o’ clock Pacific Standard Time in Jay’s small apartment and he felt safe for now. Jay would still have to evolve from his past and present self, shed old habits, because they were weighing him down - it was as if he had been carrying around a rotting corpse on his back for too long now. But at least for now, he could relax and this was important. Burdening himself in worry was another weak habit he had developed which was very unnecessary up to a certain point. If Jay couldn’t be happy now, then what’s to say he would be happy when he gets all the things he think’s gonna make him happy? 

Jay turns on the television and there is a commercial for a movie that takes place in a fictional Los Angeles - in one of the clips in the trailer the man asks the woman if she can “drive stick”, to which she retorts: “I can learn”, which then cuts to a quick music video interlude of a blue colored Alf serenading an amused young woman :“You’re the one who’s out of this world, sweet baby”, he sings.

Blaine and Antione sit in director’s chairs in front of a backdrop photo of the Hollywood sign, house lights turned down to silhouette. Keligs come on, cues  "It's Raining Men”, applause from hyper excited audience for live broadcast almost drowns out Donna Summer's singing. A nineties keyed cable access logo floats in the middle of screen, says "Men on Skate Films" in garishly pink glowing cursive lettering, which also strikes a resemblance to the title font from Video Days. The title disappears, reveals Blaine with bic-ed head, wearing tiny black top hat which rests sideways on his head attached by an uncomfortably looking tight band, peasant shirt, thong worn over leotard. Antoine is wearing a jacket which is overly decorated as to establish rank, though through which organization that may be, remains unclear.

Blaine : Hellll-ew, I'm Blaine Edwards!

Antione : And I'm Antione Merryweather!

Blaine and Antoine in unicen : And welcome to Meeeen on Skate Films!

Antoine : The show where we take a look at Skateboard films . . .

Blaine : From a male point of view . . .

Blaine : Yes thats right, and tonite we comin to you live and uncensored! 

Blaine : No knee pads, NO clearance from the industry. Peek a boo!

Blaine : And I’m so excited that I just can't hide it, because for tonite we got us a new sponsa!

Antoine : Yes. Bones. (holds a small flat box level with pouting face)

Blaine : It seem like since I was a little boy I been riding Bones.

Antoine : I didn’t say a word . . .

Blaine : Chinese or Swiss, don't matter . . . 

Antoine : And you know they still got the hottest ams . . .

Antoine : Well as u know this is the show where we take with a discerning eye, a critical look at the art of skateboarding films and street cinemas! 

Antoine : And you know Blaine, I must say right now it's just such exciting times for skateboarding -  with tricks just keep gettin bigger AND tech-er, ams more skilled and younger by the day, and the grinds and slides just seem to be gettin harder and longer . . .

Blaine : Remind me not to stand up for the next hour, cause I think I just sprung a leak!

Blaine : And you know, Antoine, what other sport requires the mens to show their more sensative side, their creativity, the courage to just come out and express themself - like :  “This is me, I'm here, this is who I am, this is what I’m about . . . "

Antoine continues : You know like how one day you could get the inspiration to go do a painting, then use it as a graphic for the bottom of your deck only to get it all scratched up against a pole on the streets. 

Blaine : Yes, and you know what other sport boasts such fascinating names like : Donger, Duane Peters or Ricky Dixon! 

Antoine : Or my personal favorite : Jesse Hotchkiss.

Blaine : Just thinking about that one gets me harder than Chinese arithmetic!

Blaine: Oh boy! Well, the first video we’re gonna take a look at is Antihero’s newest offering "Tent City". And Twan, I must say that this is such a good video, that by the time it was done I had pitched my own tent.

Antoine: What I like about Antiheros is how they always have the mens hittin the road, searching all over for any mysterious tranny they never ridden, living homeless, hunkering down, squatting together wherever they can find, and at night drinking wizard sticks until they get so long they can’t be held with just two hands.

Blaine : Sign me UP. Wheres my sponsor-me reel?

Antoine : And you know I really could just watch footy of that little Julien Stranger all day.

Blaine: He may be stranger to me, but I still be his Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Antoine : Here, Here!

Antoine : Well, we all grew up watching Julien! Seems like just yesterday he slid on that hand pipe in front of the church near Dolores Park, you know, right out side of the Castro in San Francisco? But Blaine, I forgot, did he do that one frontside or backside?!

Blaine : I Don't know, my eyes was closed the whole time.

Antoine : Oh my. Well, the next video we're going to take a look at is the new Girl video.

Blaine and Antoine : HATED IT!

Blaine : Mouse? More like fish. 

Antoine : You know, I been holding a torch for them for way too long now and all I got to say is  : “What have you done for me lately, Miss Carroll?”

Blaine : Oh, I know - Fish Called Wanda? More like fish called Carroll.

Blaine holds two silk scarves in one hand, and in coy and thoughtful manner lays one on Antoine's leg as to offset what he had just said.

Antoine's hands are clasped together, like he just finished clapping, but he still exudes an air of diplomacy : Oh, you need to stop.

Blaine : The next video we take a look at is the Shorty’s video.

Blaine and Antoine in unison : HATED IT!

Blaine : I mean, really. I never thought I’d be so un-enthusiastic about a video that was made to promote selling nuts and bolts in small packages.

Antoine : Shortening bolts just seems sooo anti-productive! 

Blaine :I know what you mean. You know I’m always willing to shell out a little extra wam-pum for more steel.

Antoine : And who wants to see that little scallop, Rosa anyways?! We’re not watching the video for her! She doesn’t deserve to be in it, she absolutely has no right!  We all know the real reason we’re watching it is because of Joey Pulsifer and Emmers anyways. 

Blaine : Well, and Chad also.

Antoine : Ah, I don’t know . . . he  always was a little too Ricky Schroder for me.

Blaine : Well maybe you’ll have a change of heart when you see the clip of him rolling around in the dirt, drinking Heiney-Ken, after we does his last trick in Fulfill the Dream.

Antoine : I may have to peep that.

Blaine : Well, the final video we’re going to take a look at is the Zoo York video.

Antoine : Yes and everybody knows how New York is the world center for fashion, so it comes as no surprise that the Zoo York brings such a stylish yet virile street team! 

Blaine : You know how like in New York its so hard to come off on spots you know, and with such harsh conditions they have to pull whatever trick they can get, where ever they can; behind dark alley ways, or in the gutter, on the hand pipes of Union Square. The video reminds me of Midnight Cowboy.

Antoine : Well, everyones so busy in New York and I just love how the skaters and filmer look to each other for inspiration and strength, come together, and make a commitment to themselves, to each other for getting as much high quality footage as possible -  like that one of little Dill Pickle and P.J. Ransom with their you-know-whats tucked between their legs! I got three words for you : WON-DER-FUL!

Blaine : They’re not on Zoo! But they still can temp my tummy with the taste of nuts and honey - I think I need to see that one again!

Antoine : And you know what other team besides Zoo York has Danny Supa as one of their main pros? I remember the first time I saw Danny, I was like “Who is this?!!” 

Blaine : That clip of him downtown with the silver shorts always got me harder than the flat bar at Tompkins! 

Antoine : Zoo Raleigh demo ’98, parking lot Skater Island, when he totally vibed the shit out of me, that one time, you know?! He was so mean!

Blaine : I think we heard the story before.

Antoine : Oh, and you about to work my last nerve now, aint ya?

Blaine puts his hand on Antoine’s leg, slight massaging : Oh, come on Twan, don’t get maaad . . .

Antoine perks up : Well because me and Blaine have had numerous requests, last episode we had promised that we are going to do a demontracion on how to properly lube a deck.

Antoine : Oh, but Blaine - you know I forgot to bring the wax.

Blaine : Don’t worry, I came prepared. (lifts his leg up, pulls out a plug of Sex Wax he had been sitting on the whole time)

Antoine sits on the ground with his legs wrapped around a blank which his muscular assistant had handed him.

Blaine : The first thing you need to know is that you have to be real thorough. You spread the wax all over and don't be afraid to do it too hard.

Antoine : I don’t think theres such a thing as "too hard”.

Blaine rubs the plug in circular motion, he and Antoine both yelping : Ow, Ow Ow!

Antoine : I’m about to loose controool and I think I liiike it!! Wheeeeee!!!

Blaine : Okay that’s enough, you know you’re done when it gets too sticky.

Antoine : Oh my, that was so good, I’m gonna have to give that one three finger snaps, in Z-Roller formation and an "Ole’"! 

Antoine and Blaine snap their fingers in the air thrice in a Z pattern : Ole’!

Antoine stands up : Well, thats all for tonite folks. Join us next week when we take a look at the new Enjoi video, Bag O’ Suck.

Blaine : Oh my, - just thinking about sharing a bunk bed with Marc Johnson in San Jose gets me in full Tilt Mode.

Antoine :  But wait Blaine, Johnson's not on Enjoi!

Blaine : Well, he may not be but you know it’s time to finally let the cat out of that bag o’ suck - all I can say is you can run, but you can’t hide hide from your true self Miss Johnson!

Antoine : Well it is the Tilt Mode House so you might want to get cuddled up and strapped in,  zip up your sleeping bags, because something tells me its gonna be a bumpy night, children! Good night folks!

Jay wakes up on the couch, walks to his bedroom without turning off the tv, sweaty because the excess energy he still had to burn in his sleep had to escape somehow.


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Houston, Texas
Be kind, because everyone you'll ever meet is fighting a hard battle.